Steps for Overcoming the Challenges of
Adult Stepchildren and Their Stepparents
“Ah… this will be a breeze! Since our kids are grown and out of the house, the issues so common to blended families won’t affect our second marriage. After all, it’s not like my adult stepchildren are going to getting into power struggles with their stepparent over finishing their homework or cleaning up their rooms.”
Well, that’s what many parents with adult children who get remarried later in life like to think… unfortunately, the reality is often much different!
The single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail is the presence of children from a previous relationship or marriage. In fact, the divorce rate is 50% higher in remarriages with children than in those without, and this is true regardless of the age of the kids.
While it may come as a surprise, many families with adult stepchildren experience the same difficulties as those with younger stepkids, including the stepchildren’s not liking to see the parent and stepparent be affectionate, conflicted loyalties (“If I like my stepmother, I’m betraying my mother”), feeling competitive with the stepparent, and feeling pressured to have a relationship with him or her, plus a few unique issues of their own, such as decisions around estate planning and inheritances.
In short, just because a stepchild no longer lives at home is no reason for him or her not to feel threatened by a new stepparent, struggle with new family dynamics, or experience the same loyalty and loss issues that younger stepchildren do.
Creating a peaceful co-existence can take effort from everyone, here are some things all the parties can do to help…
For Parents and Stepparents
If you’re a stepparent, you should be aware that your new partner’s adult children have numerous reasons to object to, hinder, and deny your inclusion in the family. They already had a family and now likely find themselves forced to struggle with a new and expanded definition of what “family” means.
No matter what your adult son, daughter, stepson, or stepdaughter tells you, you must prepare for your child or stepchild to be:
These concerns are completely justified and, really, they are not about you as a parent or stepparent. So, don’t get offended… Instead, listen to your children’s concerns and be as patient, understanding, and responsive to their needs as possible.
Steps You Can Take…
2. Understand that adult children’s resistance to a stepparent is not personal – Remember that stepchildren do not get to choose their stepparents and are not in love with them, as their parent is. Stepparents are often viewed as adversaries and stepchildren of all ages may try to defend themselves from any potential harm they feel their stepparents may inflict. It’s more than likely that adult stepchildren don’t dislike their stepparent as a person, they only fear the power they may wield.
3. Maintain open, honest communication – Be sure to express your feelings, because if you don’t they will come out regardless. But, be sure to express them in a gentle way that will be heard. Open and honest communication, while sometimes difficult initially, can go a long way to alleviating erroneous judgments and opinions.
4. Give the parent and their children some “alone time” – If you’re a new stepparent, occasionally “compartmentalizing” relationships and giving your stepchildren some time with just their parent can help your stepchildren see you as an ally rather than an enemy.
5. Reassure stepchildren that the step-family is not a replacement for the first family – Make sure stepchildren know the new stepparent is there to add to, not subtract from, the family’s unity and in no way is meant to replace the original parent. You should also reassure stepchildren that there’s no pressure on anyone to immediately accept and act like they’re all a part of “one big happy family.”
6. Make sure you and your spouse work as a team – Being a stepparent can be incredibly stressful, and this is especially true if your partner does not, at the very least, encourage their children to treat you civilly. A parent who tells his or her children, “I love you. I also love your stepmother/stepfather and he/she is here to stay. You don’t have to love, or even like, them, but I won’t have you walking all over them,” and means it, can make all the difference.
For Adult Stepchildren
Almost all stepchildren have strong feelings about their parent’s remarriage and you first need to acknowledge them. Concerns, fears, resentfulness, and even jealousy are not uncommon. If you don’t take responsibility and ownership of your feelings, they’ll likely lead you into criticism, withdrawal, and other hurtful behaviors.
You should also recognize that it will likely take some time to open your home and heart to a new stepparent. Resist the urge to withdraw in judgment or anger. It’s not necessary that you love or even like them, but strive to act in loving ways.
Steps You Can Take…
1. Acknowledge your parent’s feelings and desires – Your parent’s desire to marry someone he or she loves is completely natural and legitimate. You can acknowledge this and treat your parent’s new spouse with dignity and respect without diminishing your relationship with your n natural parents or first family.
2. Make an effort to get to know your new stepparent – No one is going to replace your natural parents and it’s more than likely nothing is further from your stepparent’s mind. So, acknowledge that your stepparent is a unique person with all the qualities and faults that make each of us human, and make a serious attempt to get to know them and accept them for who they are. Share your interests, engage in their interests, ask questions about their family, and create opportunities to be together. You don’t need to become best friends… Acceptance is often all that is needed and desired.
3. Try to be inclusive – Invite your stepparent to holiday gatherings, send them an appropriate card on Mother’s or Father’s Day, and make sure your own children acknowledge them.
4. Distinguish between what you can and can’t control – You may not be able to control your feelings about your parent’s marriage or whom they’ve chosen as a spouse, but you can control your behavior. Don’t let your first reaction to a new marriage be based on the fear that your parent is making a poor decision.
5. Maintain open, honest communication – As stated above, make sure you express your feelings in a gentle way that will be heard, lest you don’t and they come out on their own in an unintended manner. And it’s not just your feelings you need to express… Also talk openly and honestly with your parent and stepparent about any important financial and health-related concerns.
6. Accept your parent’s financial assets belong to them – While you should encourage your parent to communicate and help you understand their wishes, inheritance and financial changes may occur over time. Emphasize the importance of your relationship with your parent rather than material possessions and respect your parent’s wishes… And, if you have serious concerns about your parent’s welfare, discuss them with your parent. Then, and only then, should you consult a lawyer in your area to discuss any concerns you may have.
7. Find reasons to celebrate your parent’s marriage – Your parent must feel incredibly fortunate to have met someone worth marrying, so try to celebrate that joy with them even if you’re struggling to accept the situation or the person they’ve chosen.
8. Remember “The Golden Rule” – Treat your parent and their new spouse as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule isn’t just for kids and practicing it can go a long way to helping your parent and even your stepparent feel appreciated, respected, and loved.
New stepfamilies require adjustments from everyone. Even the most successful stepfamilies with stepchildren often experience a great deal of conflict at the outset as everyone involved struggles to adjust to the changes and find their footing.
It is the responsibility of all parties in a blended family to openly communicate with each other and to work out issues together. So, start by acknowledging that there is an adjustment process, know mistakes will be made, allow for each person’s different feelings, and recognize that it often takes a while for new relationships to form.
And, if after all of your time and effort you still don’t get along well with or like your stepparent or stepchild, acknowledge that you both love your parent and try to simply be polite and respectful and make do as best you can for the parent’s sake. That’s the beautiful thing about love – there’s always room for one more!
Well, that’s what many parents with adult children who get remarried later in life like to think… unfortunately, the reality is often much different!
The single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail is the presence of children from a previous relationship or marriage. In fact, the divorce rate is 50% higher in remarriages with children than in those without, and this is true regardless of the age of the kids.
While it may come as a surprise, many families with adult stepchildren experience the same difficulties as those with younger stepkids, including the stepchildren’s not liking to see the parent and stepparent be affectionate, conflicted loyalties (“If I like my stepmother, I’m betraying my mother”), feeling competitive with the stepparent, and feeling pressured to have a relationship with him or her, plus a few unique issues of their own, such as decisions around estate planning and inheritances.
In short, just because a stepchild no longer lives at home is no reason for him or her not to feel threatened by a new stepparent, struggle with new family dynamics, or experience the same loyalty and loss issues that younger stepchildren do.
Creating a peaceful co-existence can take effort from everyone, here are some things all the parties can do to help…
For Parents and Stepparents
If you’re a stepparent, you should be aware that your new partner’s adult children have numerous reasons to object to, hinder, and deny your inclusion in the family. They already had a family and now likely find themselves forced to struggle with a new and expanded definition of what “family” means.
No matter what your adult son, daughter, stepson, or stepdaughter tells you, you must prepare for your child or stepchild to be:
- Fearful of being isolated or abandoned – Whether by divorce or death, your child or stepchild has already experienced a tremendous amount of grief, which a new marriage can easily intensify and bring back to the fore.
- Jealous or resentful – Many stepchildren, both young and old, who had their parent’s undivided attention prior to the new stepparent’s arrival, become jealous of the time, attention, and energy their parent now gives the new stepparent. On top of this, adult stepchildren with children of their own may also be resentful of the time the new stepparent takes away from their parent’s time with the grandkids.
- Unwilling to accept a new stepparent – Change typically brings discomfort, and accepting a new stepparent is, at the very least, an inconvenient proposition. Family celebrations and holidays must become more flexible to incorporate new family members and, even more importantly, this transition often forces a change in the definition of what adult stepchildren have come to think of as “home,” a change they didn’t ask for and may not want to accept.
- Concerned about finances – Some of the most common concerns for adult stepchildren revolve around family finances, particularly whether or not and how their inheritance will be affected by the addition of a new stepparent to the family.
These concerns are completely justified and, really, they are not about you as a parent or stepparent. So, don’t get offended… Instead, listen to your children’s concerns and be as patient, understanding, and responsive to their needs as possible.
Steps You Can Take…
- Acknowledge the feelings of adult stepchildren – When a parent remarries adult children face difficult adjustments and feelings such as anger at their parent, renewed or accentuated grief over their absent or deceased parent, loneliness, divided loyalties, and possibly betrayal or being robbed of their familiar family life.
2. Understand that adult children’s resistance to a stepparent is not personal – Remember that stepchildren do not get to choose their stepparents and are not in love with them, as their parent is. Stepparents are often viewed as adversaries and stepchildren of all ages may try to defend themselves from any potential harm they feel their stepparents may inflict. It’s more than likely that adult stepchildren don’t dislike their stepparent as a person, they only fear the power they may wield.
3. Maintain open, honest communication – Be sure to express your feelings, because if you don’t they will come out regardless. But, be sure to express them in a gentle way that will be heard. Open and honest communication, while sometimes difficult initially, can go a long way to alleviating erroneous judgments and opinions.
4. Give the parent and their children some “alone time” – If you’re a new stepparent, occasionally “compartmentalizing” relationships and giving your stepchildren some time with just their parent can help your stepchildren see you as an ally rather than an enemy.
5. Reassure stepchildren that the step-family is not a replacement for the first family – Make sure stepchildren know the new stepparent is there to add to, not subtract from, the family’s unity and in no way is meant to replace the original parent. You should also reassure stepchildren that there’s no pressure on anyone to immediately accept and act like they’re all a part of “one big happy family.”
6. Make sure you and your spouse work as a team – Being a stepparent can be incredibly stressful, and this is especially true if your partner does not, at the very least, encourage their children to treat you civilly. A parent who tells his or her children, “I love you. I also love your stepmother/stepfather and he/she is here to stay. You don’t have to love, or even like, them, but I won’t have you walking all over them,” and means it, can make all the difference.
For Adult Stepchildren
Almost all stepchildren have strong feelings about their parent’s remarriage and you first need to acknowledge them. Concerns, fears, resentfulness, and even jealousy are not uncommon. If you don’t take responsibility and ownership of your feelings, they’ll likely lead you into criticism, withdrawal, and other hurtful behaviors.
You should also recognize that it will likely take some time to open your home and heart to a new stepparent. Resist the urge to withdraw in judgment or anger. It’s not necessary that you love or even like them, but strive to act in loving ways.
Steps You Can Take…
1. Acknowledge your parent’s feelings and desires – Your parent’s desire to marry someone he or she loves is completely natural and legitimate. You can acknowledge this and treat your parent’s new spouse with dignity and respect without diminishing your relationship with your n natural parents or first family.
2. Make an effort to get to know your new stepparent – No one is going to replace your natural parents and it’s more than likely nothing is further from your stepparent’s mind. So, acknowledge that your stepparent is a unique person with all the qualities and faults that make each of us human, and make a serious attempt to get to know them and accept them for who they are. Share your interests, engage in their interests, ask questions about their family, and create opportunities to be together. You don’t need to become best friends… Acceptance is often all that is needed and desired.
3. Try to be inclusive – Invite your stepparent to holiday gatherings, send them an appropriate card on Mother’s or Father’s Day, and make sure your own children acknowledge them.
4. Distinguish between what you can and can’t control – You may not be able to control your feelings about your parent’s marriage or whom they’ve chosen as a spouse, but you can control your behavior. Don’t let your first reaction to a new marriage be based on the fear that your parent is making a poor decision.
5. Maintain open, honest communication – As stated above, make sure you express your feelings in a gentle way that will be heard, lest you don’t and they come out on their own in an unintended manner. And it’s not just your feelings you need to express… Also talk openly and honestly with your parent and stepparent about any important financial and health-related concerns.
6. Accept your parent’s financial assets belong to them – While you should encourage your parent to communicate and help you understand their wishes, inheritance and financial changes may occur over time. Emphasize the importance of your relationship with your parent rather than material possessions and respect your parent’s wishes… And, if you have serious concerns about your parent’s welfare, discuss them with your parent. Then, and only then, should you consult a lawyer in your area to discuss any concerns you may have.
7. Find reasons to celebrate your parent’s marriage – Your parent must feel incredibly fortunate to have met someone worth marrying, so try to celebrate that joy with them even if you’re struggling to accept the situation or the person they’ve chosen.
8. Remember “The Golden Rule” – Treat your parent and their new spouse as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule isn’t just for kids and practicing it can go a long way to helping your parent and even your stepparent feel appreciated, respected, and loved.
New stepfamilies require adjustments from everyone. Even the most successful stepfamilies with stepchildren often experience a great deal of conflict at the outset as everyone involved struggles to adjust to the changes and find their footing.
It is the responsibility of all parties in a blended family to openly communicate with each other and to work out issues together. So, start by acknowledging that there is an adjustment process, know mistakes will be made, allow for each person’s different feelings, and recognize that it often takes a while for new relationships to form.
And, if after all of your time and effort you still don’t get along well with or like your stepparent or stepchild, acknowledge that you both love your parent and try to simply be polite and respectful and make do as best you can for the parent’s sake. That’s the beautiful thing about love – there’s always room for one more!