How to Help a Partner or Spouse Who’s Struggling with Depression
Dana Backstrom, LMFT, LPCC
Depression is a very serious illness that lowers the quality of life, strains relationships, and makes daily functioning difficult for millions of individuals in the United States and around the world.
While depression is a difficult experience for anyone to go through, it can be especially difficult for the partners and spouses of those who are depressed.
Fortunately, if you believe your spouse or partner is depressed, help is available for both of you.
How to Tell If Your Loved One Is Depressed
Initial signs that one’s partner or spouse is depressed are often overlooked. It is easy to believe that the person suffering from depression just needs some downtime or a little space and everything will work out just fine.
This confusion is often compounded by the fact that it is not uncommon for individuals who are depressed to actively try to get other people to leave them alone. Some people struggling with depression simply become withdrawn and avoid social events, family gatherings and other places where they have to interact with people.
This having been said, it is not unusual for individuals with depression to swing to the other emotional extreme and lash out at those they love, seeming extremely irritable or angry as they lose their tempers over just about anything.
While these behaviors are often a cry for help, they tend to have the opposite effect in that they push away friends, family members, and significant others. So, if your partner seems irritable all the time and/or is unwilling to socialize or spend time with others, you should let him or her know you’re there for them despite these behaviors and that you want to help.
Additional signs that your loved one may be depressed include:
· Consistently oversleeping or routinely not being able to get enough sleep
· Regularly overeating or eating for little or not at all
· Letting themselves go physically (such as a marked decrease in exercise or physical hygiene)
· Lack of interest in engaging in conversation (keeping eerily silent or scuttling conversations with rude comments)
· Constantly commenting or complaining about how difficult or bad life is
If you observe any of these signs in your partner, talk to him or her to find out what’s going on and pay close attention to what he or she is saying. Many depressed people openly admit how they’re felling only to have the person listening assume “it’s not really that bad” or “they don’t really mean it.” If your partner or spouse says his or her life is horrible, take it at face value and listen non-judgmentally to what they’re trying to tell you. Don’t try to talk your loved one out of his or her feelings; listen and make comments like,“That must be a hard situation” or “I understand how upset you feel” so that they know you’re really listening.
What Can You Do to Help?
It’s difficult to discover that the person you’re closest to is suffering in any way, and it can be especially difficult to discover he or she is suffering from depression. If you don’t know how to help and feel powerless, embarrassed, or confused, it’s important to know that you can help them and help is available for you as well.
1. Talk with them in a gentle, respectful way – If you think your partner or spouse is struggling with depression, be honest
and talk with them about your concerns in a gentle, respectful manner. Let them know you’re available to talk anytime they want and understand there will be times when they do not feel like talking. Don’t pressure them.
2. Learn more about depression – You owe it to your loved one and yourself to understand as much about their illness as you can. You can learn a lot about the symptoms of depression online, as well as how people coping with depression feel. However, you should also consider joining a support group to talk to other family members and friends of people suffering from depression. Interacting with others who are struggling with the same issues can help you learn better coping strategies as well as provide you the opportunity to express and take care of yourself, which is critical in order for you to take care of the one you love.
3. Let them know that you are always there for them – This is something that you can never stop doing. Even if you don’t know what to say to comfort them, or if they don’t seem like they want comforting, be sure to tell them that they can always talk to you and that you care about them. Even in the deepest recesses of depression, knowing you are there for them can help.
4. Spend quality time together and have some fun – Even if you think he or she will not accept, take the initiative and offer to
go places you know they enjoy and do things they typically find entertaining. You should also mix it up by trying some new things. Getting a depressed partner or spouse out of the house can help them focus on something other than internalizing their depression. This having been said, if your partner decides they don’t want to go, be understanding and flexible. It’ll be better for both your partner and you if you cancel your plans as opposed to forcing them to have fun, which will simply be an exercise in frustration for you both.
5. Encourage them to seek professional help – A licensed counselor, psychotherapist, or even your family physician can
provide professional help that you cannot. In fact, if you think your partner or spouse is suffering from depression, the first thing you should convince them to do is talk with their doctor. A physician can help rule out any physical causes of the depression as well as refer your partner to a mental health professional. If your spouse is unwilling to seek professional help on their own, you may want
to consider couples counseling or relationship coaching. While your partner will still likely need some individual counseling or therapy, seeking professional help as a couple may help get their proverbial foot in the door and help start them down the path to getting the assistance they need. If you can’t seem to convince them, consider meeting with a licensed counselor or therapist yourself to find out what you can do to help the one you love. However you do it, if your partner or spouse is struggling with depression, getting them to seek professional help is the most important thing you can do.
6. Don’t forget to take care of yourself– Helping a spouse or partner who is depressed can be an emotionally draining
experience. Do what you can to make sure their depression doesn’t overwhelm you as well. Take a break once in a while and do things you enjoy with other people you enjoy. And if your partner asks why you want to be around others, be honest and explain that listening and helping can be difficult and that you need to take a break once in a while.
Depression is a serious illness and, if left unaddressed, it can quickly take its toll on any relationship. However, if you love your partner, are supportive, take their illness seriously, make yourself available when they need you, and help them get professional assistance, depression can be treated and you both can rediscover the joy of your relationship and life together.
Dana Backstrom, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. She provides highly personalized counseling and psychotherapy services to individuals, couples and families. She meets clients at their homes, offices or places of recreation. She also sees clients at her Mountain View office.
Dana Backstrom, LMFT, LPCC
Depression is a very serious illness that lowers the quality of life, strains relationships, and makes daily functioning difficult for millions of individuals in the United States and around the world.
While depression is a difficult experience for anyone to go through, it can be especially difficult for the partners and spouses of those who are depressed.
Fortunately, if you believe your spouse or partner is depressed, help is available for both of you.
How to Tell If Your Loved One Is Depressed
Initial signs that one’s partner or spouse is depressed are often overlooked. It is easy to believe that the person suffering from depression just needs some downtime or a little space and everything will work out just fine.
This confusion is often compounded by the fact that it is not uncommon for individuals who are depressed to actively try to get other people to leave them alone. Some people struggling with depression simply become withdrawn and avoid social events, family gatherings and other places where they have to interact with people.
This having been said, it is not unusual for individuals with depression to swing to the other emotional extreme and lash out at those they love, seeming extremely irritable or angry as they lose their tempers over just about anything.
While these behaviors are often a cry for help, they tend to have the opposite effect in that they push away friends, family members, and significant others. So, if your partner seems irritable all the time and/or is unwilling to socialize or spend time with others, you should let him or her know you’re there for them despite these behaviors and that you want to help.
Additional signs that your loved one may be depressed include:
· Consistently oversleeping or routinely not being able to get enough sleep
· Regularly overeating or eating for little or not at all
· Letting themselves go physically (such as a marked decrease in exercise or physical hygiene)
· Lack of interest in engaging in conversation (keeping eerily silent or scuttling conversations with rude comments)
· Constantly commenting or complaining about how difficult or bad life is
If you observe any of these signs in your partner, talk to him or her to find out what’s going on and pay close attention to what he or she is saying. Many depressed people openly admit how they’re felling only to have the person listening assume “it’s not really that bad” or “they don’t really mean it.” If your partner or spouse says his or her life is horrible, take it at face value and listen non-judgmentally to what they’re trying to tell you. Don’t try to talk your loved one out of his or her feelings; listen and make comments like,“That must be a hard situation” or “I understand how upset you feel” so that they know you’re really listening.
What Can You Do to Help?
It’s difficult to discover that the person you’re closest to is suffering in any way, and it can be especially difficult to discover he or she is suffering from depression. If you don’t know how to help and feel powerless, embarrassed, or confused, it’s important to know that you can help them and help is available for you as well.
1. Talk with them in a gentle, respectful way – If you think your partner or spouse is struggling with depression, be honest
and talk with them about your concerns in a gentle, respectful manner. Let them know you’re available to talk anytime they want and understand there will be times when they do not feel like talking. Don’t pressure them.
2. Learn more about depression – You owe it to your loved one and yourself to understand as much about their illness as you can. You can learn a lot about the symptoms of depression online, as well as how people coping with depression feel. However, you should also consider joining a support group to talk to other family members and friends of people suffering from depression. Interacting with others who are struggling with the same issues can help you learn better coping strategies as well as provide you the opportunity to express and take care of yourself, which is critical in order for you to take care of the one you love.
3. Let them know that you are always there for them – This is something that you can never stop doing. Even if you don’t know what to say to comfort them, or if they don’t seem like they want comforting, be sure to tell them that they can always talk to you and that you care about them. Even in the deepest recesses of depression, knowing you are there for them can help.
4. Spend quality time together and have some fun – Even if you think he or she will not accept, take the initiative and offer to
go places you know they enjoy and do things they typically find entertaining. You should also mix it up by trying some new things. Getting a depressed partner or spouse out of the house can help them focus on something other than internalizing their depression. This having been said, if your partner decides they don’t want to go, be understanding and flexible. It’ll be better for both your partner and you if you cancel your plans as opposed to forcing them to have fun, which will simply be an exercise in frustration for you both.
5. Encourage them to seek professional help – A licensed counselor, psychotherapist, or even your family physician can
provide professional help that you cannot. In fact, if you think your partner or spouse is suffering from depression, the first thing you should convince them to do is talk with their doctor. A physician can help rule out any physical causes of the depression as well as refer your partner to a mental health professional. If your spouse is unwilling to seek professional help on their own, you may want
to consider couples counseling or relationship coaching. While your partner will still likely need some individual counseling or therapy, seeking professional help as a couple may help get their proverbial foot in the door and help start them down the path to getting the assistance they need. If you can’t seem to convince them, consider meeting with a licensed counselor or therapist yourself to find out what you can do to help the one you love. However you do it, if your partner or spouse is struggling with depression, getting them to seek professional help is the most important thing you can do.
6. Don’t forget to take care of yourself– Helping a spouse or partner who is depressed can be an emotionally draining
experience. Do what you can to make sure their depression doesn’t overwhelm you as well. Take a break once in a while and do things you enjoy with other people you enjoy. And if your partner asks why you want to be around others, be honest and explain that listening and helping can be difficult and that you need to take a break once in a while.
Depression is a serious illness and, if left unaddressed, it can quickly take its toll on any relationship. However, if you love your partner, are supportive, take their illness seriously, make yourself available when they need you, and help them get professional assistance, depression can be treated and you both can rediscover the joy of your relationship and life together.
Dana Backstrom, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. She provides highly personalized counseling and psychotherapy services to individuals, couples and families. She meets clients at their homes, offices or places of recreation. She also sees clients at her Mountain View office.
