Is It Okay to Seek the Approval of Others?
Seeking the connection and approval of others is a completely natural desire. It’s part of what makes us human… After all, we are social beings.
Seeking the approval of others helps us “fit in” and fulfills a need to feel like we “belong” to one or more groups.
And then there’s the type of “people pleasing” – a form of approval seeking – that many of us practice in our social and family circles simply to get along better with others or not hurt someone else’s feelings. Think of the times you’ve effusively accepted a birthday or Christmas gift that you couldn’t stand. There’s no reason to feel guilty; a little people pleasing during holidays can make an event more enjoyable for everyone.
So what’s wrong with wanting to please others?
Nothing… Up to a point.
The other day, I came across a great line that compared people pleasing to sex… When we do either one because we really want to, they both can be incredibly positive, life-affirming ways to connect and strengthen a relationship. However, when either one is done to gain a calculated advantage or out of a sense of obligation or powerlessness, they both can be extremely demeaning. The key to both is to listen and follow your heart.
So, people pleasing and approval seeking are only really problems when we feel we’re responsible for the thoughts and opinions of others, when we become deeply affected by what others think about us, and when we let the approval of others compromise ourselves, thereby putting other people in control of our own happiness. And, no one other than you should be in control of your happiness!
Plus, when you think about, approval seeking and people pleasing are about anything but being nice or pleasant. If you try to avoid conflict, prevent another person from becoming angry, or get somebody to like you by pretending to be someone you’re not, you’re, at heart, being either dishonest, manipulative, or both.
And, if you’re always worried about the approval of others, you leave yourself open to being manipulated by them. People can tell if you’re anxious to please and may well use the fact that you’ll do anything it takes to make sure “everyone and everything is okay” against you.
Are You a People-Pleaser?
Do you find yourself regularly holding back your opinions or hiding your true self?
Do you routinely make choices to avoid the criticism or disapproval of others rather than do what is most important for you?
If so, then like many others, somewhere along your life path (most likely in childhood) you learned that the opinions of other’s matters greatly and you’re only safe if you’re watching out for what they think and feel.
Unfortunately, trying to always live up to the expectations of others and prove your worth leaves you carrying a great burden.
If you want to be successful and happy in your personal and professional life, then always seeking the approval of others is something you’ll have to change.
So, if you are a people pleaser or approval seeker, what can you do about it?
Steps You Can Take
If you’ve never taken a long honest look at why you say and do the things you do, then that’s the place to start.
Be honest with yourself… There’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
We’ve all learned to think, believe, and feel the way we do, usually when we were young and easily impressionable. And, if we’ve learned to do something one way, we can learn to do it another.
So, don’t be hard on yourself… Don’t be judgmental. Focusing on negatives is counterproductive. Just acknowledge your thoughts and feelings and know you can change them. But, start by approving of yourself the way you are now!
Some other things you can do are…
1) Practice Pausing to Consider
We typically feel pressured or rushed when we feel the need to prove ourselves, please others, or get their approval. Instead, take a pause and consider just letting the point go. And, even if the situation’s already passed, practice taking a few moments to consider what happened and other ways of looking at it.
2) Practice Saying What You Think
This is not to say you should get up tomorrow morning and begin telling everyone the first thing that comes to your mind. Start simply and just practice speaking from your heart once or twice a day and let the consequences take care of themselves. What you’ll likely find is that, as long as you’re not trying to be hurtful, no one will be offended and, quite often, people will appreciate your honesty.
3) Practice Talking to Yourself
We all have a continuously running, internal monologue that can be very critical. And, what we tell ourselves can have a huge impact on the way we feel. So, practice telling yourself that, “You know, it’s okay if he or she disagrees with me or doesn’t understand or like me… I have no control over his or her thoughts or feelings and am not affected by their opinions.”
4) Practice Setting Boundaries
Many times, we seek the approval of others because we’ve never fully developed our own sense of individuality and the boundaries between others and ourselves. You are not half of someone else and half of yourself. You are a totally unique person who is responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Remember that no other person is worth more than you; neither is any other person’s opinion worth more than yours. All that should matter to you is that you approve of yourself. Focus on saying and doing what you believe to be right, rather than what others want you to say and do. For example, it’s perfectly okay to not associate with someone you don’t enjoy being around, even if everyone else thinks they’re the proverbial life of the party. Only when you learn to approve of and respect yourself and your own opinions can you truly learn to respect others and enter relationships as equals.
5) Practice Being Patient with Others
Just as we are all unique individuals, we all come from different backgrounds, think differently, believe different things, and have had different experiences. We’re not all meant to be some sort of cookie-cutter robots that react the same way to the same things. So, practice being patient with others and know that our differences of opinion is part of what makes life so interesting and fun!
6) Practice Pleasing Yourself
Constantly worrying about what others think of us robs us of creativity, spontaneity, and joy. So, give yourself those things. Make a point of doing things purely because you want to. Fully explore your tastes and enthusiasms.
7) Practice Being Okay with Disapproval
Some people are quick to disapprove of others and some use it as a sort of relational weapon. If you’ve spent much of your life seeking the approval of others, these people can be rather terrifying. But, disapproval is typically an empty threat. Okay, so someone disapproves of something you’ve said or done… What then? You can ask them why they disapprove. You can simply let them disapprove of you and move on. You can even disapprove of their disapproval! When you refuse to play the disapproval game, a whole new world of possibilities can open.
While all of these are steps you can start practicing yourself, it’s important to remember that it may not be easy at first. Fortunately, help is available, and professional counseling or psychotherapy can help you practice each and every one of the exercises above.
If we go through life trying to always say, do, and be only what we believe is “expected of us,” we, in a very real sense, cease to live. Being dependent on the approval of others divorces us from our true selves.
So, remember, you CAN be kind and pleasant while still being honest and genuine with both yourself and others. It’s when we learn to be both honest and loving that we are living authentically. And that’s something that needs no approval!
Seeking the approval of others helps us “fit in” and fulfills a need to feel like we “belong” to one or more groups.
And then there’s the type of “people pleasing” – a form of approval seeking – that many of us practice in our social and family circles simply to get along better with others or not hurt someone else’s feelings. Think of the times you’ve effusively accepted a birthday or Christmas gift that you couldn’t stand. There’s no reason to feel guilty; a little people pleasing during holidays can make an event more enjoyable for everyone.
So what’s wrong with wanting to please others?
Nothing… Up to a point.
The other day, I came across a great line that compared people pleasing to sex… When we do either one because we really want to, they both can be incredibly positive, life-affirming ways to connect and strengthen a relationship. However, when either one is done to gain a calculated advantage or out of a sense of obligation or powerlessness, they both can be extremely demeaning. The key to both is to listen and follow your heart.
So, people pleasing and approval seeking are only really problems when we feel we’re responsible for the thoughts and opinions of others, when we become deeply affected by what others think about us, and when we let the approval of others compromise ourselves, thereby putting other people in control of our own happiness. And, no one other than you should be in control of your happiness!
Plus, when you think about, approval seeking and people pleasing are about anything but being nice or pleasant. If you try to avoid conflict, prevent another person from becoming angry, or get somebody to like you by pretending to be someone you’re not, you’re, at heart, being either dishonest, manipulative, or both.
And, if you’re always worried about the approval of others, you leave yourself open to being manipulated by them. People can tell if you’re anxious to please and may well use the fact that you’ll do anything it takes to make sure “everyone and everything is okay” against you.
Are You a People-Pleaser?
Do you find yourself regularly holding back your opinions or hiding your true self?
Do you routinely make choices to avoid the criticism or disapproval of others rather than do what is most important for you?
If so, then like many others, somewhere along your life path (most likely in childhood) you learned that the opinions of other’s matters greatly and you’re only safe if you’re watching out for what they think and feel.
Unfortunately, trying to always live up to the expectations of others and prove your worth leaves you carrying a great burden.
If you want to be successful and happy in your personal and professional life, then always seeking the approval of others is something you’ll have to change.
So, if you are a people pleaser or approval seeker, what can you do about it?
Steps You Can Take
If you’ve never taken a long honest look at why you say and do the things you do, then that’s the place to start.
Be honest with yourself… There’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
We’ve all learned to think, believe, and feel the way we do, usually when we were young and easily impressionable. And, if we’ve learned to do something one way, we can learn to do it another.
So, don’t be hard on yourself… Don’t be judgmental. Focusing on negatives is counterproductive. Just acknowledge your thoughts and feelings and know you can change them. But, start by approving of yourself the way you are now!
Some other things you can do are…
1) Practice Pausing to Consider
We typically feel pressured or rushed when we feel the need to prove ourselves, please others, or get their approval. Instead, take a pause and consider just letting the point go. And, even if the situation’s already passed, practice taking a few moments to consider what happened and other ways of looking at it.
2) Practice Saying What You Think
This is not to say you should get up tomorrow morning and begin telling everyone the first thing that comes to your mind. Start simply and just practice speaking from your heart once or twice a day and let the consequences take care of themselves. What you’ll likely find is that, as long as you’re not trying to be hurtful, no one will be offended and, quite often, people will appreciate your honesty.
3) Practice Talking to Yourself
We all have a continuously running, internal monologue that can be very critical. And, what we tell ourselves can have a huge impact on the way we feel. So, practice telling yourself that, “You know, it’s okay if he or she disagrees with me or doesn’t understand or like me… I have no control over his or her thoughts or feelings and am not affected by their opinions.”
4) Practice Setting Boundaries
Many times, we seek the approval of others because we’ve never fully developed our own sense of individuality and the boundaries between others and ourselves. You are not half of someone else and half of yourself. You are a totally unique person who is responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Remember that no other person is worth more than you; neither is any other person’s opinion worth more than yours. All that should matter to you is that you approve of yourself. Focus on saying and doing what you believe to be right, rather than what others want you to say and do. For example, it’s perfectly okay to not associate with someone you don’t enjoy being around, even if everyone else thinks they’re the proverbial life of the party. Only when you learn to approve of and respect yourself and your own opinions can you truly learn to respect others and enter relationships as equals.
5) Practice Being Patient with Others
Just as we are all unique individuals, we all come from different backgrounds, think differently, believe different things, and have had different experiences. We’re not all meant to be some sort of cookie-cutter robots that react the same way to the same things. So, practice being patient with others and know that our differences of opinion is part of what makes life so interesting and fun!
6) Practice Pleasing Yourself
Constantly worrying about what others think of us robs us of creativity, spontaneity, and joy. So, give yourself those things. Make a point of doing things purely because you want to. Fully explore your tastes and enthusiasms.
7) Practice Being Okay with Disapproval
Some people are quick to disapprove of others and some use it as a sort of relational weapon. If you’ve spent much of your life seeking the approval of others, these people can be rather terrifying. But, disapproval is typically an empty threat. Okay, so someone disapproves of something you’ve said or done… What then? You can ask them why they disapprove. You can simply let them disapprove of you and move on. You can even disapprove of their disapproval! When you refuse to play the disapproval game, a whole new world of possibilities can open.
While all of these are steps you can start practicing yourself, it’s important to remember that it may not be easy at first. Fortunately, help is available, and professional counseling or psychotherapy can help you practice each and every one of the exercises above.
If we go through life trying to always say, do, and be only what we believe is “expected of us,” we, in a very real sense, cease to live. Being dependent on the approval of others divorces us from our true selves.
So, remember, you CAN be kind and pleasant while still being honest and genuine with both yourself and others. It’s when we learn to be both honest and loving that we are living authentically. And that’s something that needs no approval!