Online Dating: The Right Mindset Can Make All the Difference
Online dating has lost much of its stigma over the past decade, and a majority of Americans now say online dating is a good way to meet people. In fact, according to Pew Research, 15% of U.S. adults report having used online dating sites or mobile dating apps.
Yet, despite online dating’s increasing popularity and acceptance, some people have decided to forgo this 21st-century method of finding a romantic partner for a variety of reasons…
The fact is there is a lot of mystery involved with online dating and some people simply are not comfortable with the unknown, especially when the unknown involves the most intimate aspects of their lives.
The good news is that anyone can become comfortable with online dating. All it takes is a little preparation, which involves knowing what to expect and how to handle certain situations.
Specifically, it all comes down to your mindset about the online dating process...
How Does Online Dating Work?
The first online dating website was Match.com, a site that has well over 20 million subscribers today.
As the site’s popularity grew, a number of competitors stepped up to the plate. Today there are over 10,000 online dating sites and apps spanning the globe.
With so many dating sites and apps, and so many potential partners to choose from, it’s no wonder that some people need help wading through this sea of uncertainty.
To start with, not all of these sites and apps are created equal. Each is unique in some way. Some focus on certain populations, particular sets of interests or values, certain social, economic, or demographics, and so on. But, they also all have a few specific things in common.
When you find the app, site, or sites that seem to be the best fit for your personality and needs, you’ll be required to provide some information about yourself in order to start being matched up with others.
Some of the information you’ll be expected to provide includes:
Once your profile is complete, you can browse through the profiles of other members that might be a match for you. You’ll be free to reach out and connect with any of these members and they’ll be free to reach out to you. You can chat online or via email with potential matches until you and they are comfortable enough to actually meet in person. At which, point, online dating comes into the offline world with a “real” first date.
This is the basic process for most dating sites, although some variation is to be expected with so many different sites out there.
But this is just the basic logistics of online dating.
The most important step in online dating should actually come first, and that’s creating the mindset necessary to be successful at online dating…
Improving Your Chances of Online Dating Success
Online dating success, like success in most fields of endeavor, is often something that comes from inside yourself, before you even get started.
If you feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed about giving online dating a try, you’re probably not going to be too successful at it.
On the other hand, if you view online dating as a new experience that can be fun and exciting, then even if you don’t find your perfect match you’ll still get something out of the experience.
That being said, there are a few specific steps you can take that can help you navigate the online dating jungle…
2. Don’t Focus on Profiles – Profiles are meant to give you basic information about other members of a dating site, they are not meant to tell the entire story. Having conversations with people and meeting them in person, when the time is right, are the only true ways to discover who someone really is.
3. Try Not to Take Rejection Personally – If you’re rejected by another member of a dating site, bear in mind that all the clichés hold true. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and it takes two to tango. Beside, unless you’ve already met this person in person, you’re likely being rejected by someone who’s never even met the real you. Rejection is a part of life. Accept it and acknowledge that the most important thing about rejection is how you handle it and find a way to bounce back. And, remember, rejection is often the Universe’s way of helping you keep the door open for something or someone even better.
4. Be Willing to Forgive Yourself – You’re going to make mistakes. It’s part of being human and it’s definitely part of the dating process. You’re going to get rejected. It’s inevitable. It’s easy to be angry with yourself, to blame yourself and want to just dwell on all the ways you did things wrong… but it doesn’t do you any good. You have to be ready and willing to discard that which is not useful. And hanging on to all of your previous rejections and failures is the literal opposite of useful. Being comfortable with dating and yourself doesn’t mean all of your experiences are great, it just means you know how to roll with the punches and how to handle things when they go south.
5. Look at Online Dating as a Numbers Game – There are thousands, even tens of thousands, of members on any given dating app or site. That’s almost an inexhaustible list of potential matches. The sheer number of options puts the odds in your favor, but there is no telling how long it might take to find your right match. So, relax. Take it easy. And be patient and persistent in your endeavors.
6. Make the Investment – A lot of people seem to think that, because it’s online, you don’t need to spend the time and energy on online dating as you might offline. However, almost nothing could be further from the truth. If you put up a lazy, generic, boring profile and mediocre pictures, you’re going to get lazy, generic emails from people with mediocre profiles. In order to attract great people online, you need to create a great profile. Online dating takes time, resilience, and persistence, so be prepared to put into online dating what you expect or hope to get out of it.
7. Don’t Become Obsessed with Finding the “Perfect Match” – I know, I know… Your sister’s doctor’s lawyer’s painter’s massage therapist went online and the first person who emailed her ended up becoming her husband. We’ve all heard the magical stories of people who get online and find their life partner within weeks. For the vast majority of online daters, however, it doesn’t work that way. Have fun with online dating. You can meet great people and have great times with them without them becoming the partner of your dreams. In fact, I know more than a few people who’ve become lifelong friends with people they met on online dating websites. They were anything but perfectly matches romantically. But, despite what you may think going into it, romantic relationships aren’t the only benefit to online dating! The more you leave yourself open to the mystery and enjoy people for who they are, the more likely you’ll get a lot of online dating and stick with it long enough to even find “the one.”
Yes, online dating can be a little scary… But, whenever we try anything new, there’s always a little uncertainty and fear involved. That’s part of what it makes it exciting and fun.
And, don’t forget, if you ever have problems with the anonymity of online dating, handling rejection, or just creating a plan to make sure you’re finding and attracting the best possible matches, even just a couple of sessions with a relationship counselor or marriage and family therapist who specializes in these types of issues can help you overcome your uncertainties and fears and create a plan that helps you attract the right match.
In baseball, Babe Ruth was known as the "Home-Run King". However, most people don't realize that he struck-out more than any other player of his era. How does this relate to online dating? Well, you may have to strike out many times before you actually hit a home-run and meet your ideal mate. What's important is that you don't give up.
Yet, despite online dating’s increasing popularity and acceptance, some people have decided to forgo this 21st-century method of finding a romantic partner for a variety of reasons…
The fact is there is a lot of mystery involved with online dating and some people simply are not comfortable with the unknown, especially when the unknown involves the most intimate aspects of their lives.
The good news is that anyone can become comfortable with online dating. All it takes is a little preparation, which involves knowing what to expect and how to handle certain situations.
Specifically, it all comes down to your mindset about the online dating process...
How Does Online Dating Work?
The first online dating website was Match.com, a site that has well over 20 million subscribers today.
As the site’s popularity grew, a number of competitors stepped up to the plate. Today there are over 10,000 online dating sites and apps spanning the globe.
With so many dating sites and apps, and so many potential partners to choose from, it’s no wonder that some people need help wading through this sea of uncertainty.
To start with, not all of these sites and apps are created equal. Each is unique in some way. Some focus on certain populations, particular sets of interests or values, certain social, economic, or demographics, and so on. But, they also all have a few specific things in common.
When you find the app, site, or sites that seem to be the best fit for your personality and needs, you’ll be required to provide some information about yourself in order to start being matched up with others.
Some of the information you’ll be expected to provide includes:
- Basic information about yourself, such as your name, email address, gender, and location.
- Your physical attributes, such as hair and eye color, body build, height, tattoos, etc.
- Personal information, such as previous marital status, whether or not you have any children or want them, religious and political beliefs, and occupation.
- Interests, what you enjoy doing during your time off, what sports you’re interested in, what kind of music you listen to, your favorite movies, books, and so on.
- A photo of yourself so that potential matches have a face to go with all that information.
- Information about the type of person you’re seeking, what beliefs are important in regards to a partner, what you expect out of a relationship, and any other values and traits you feel are important for possible matches to have.
- And, of course, some apps and sites may require a payment to complete your profile and make sure it’s “live” and visible to others.
Once your profile is complete, you can browse through the profiles of other members that might be a match for you. You’ll be free to reach out and connect with any of these members and they’ll be free to reach out to you. You can chat online or via email with potential matches until you and they are comfortable enough to actually meet in person. At which, point, online dating comes into the offline world with a “real” first date.
This is the basic process for most dating sites, although some variation is to be expected with so many different sites out there.
But this is just the basic logistics of online dating.
The most important step in online dating should actually come first, and that’s creating the mindset necessary to be successful at online dating…
Improving Your Chances of Online Dating Success
Online dating success, like success in most fields of endeavor, is often something that comes from inside yourself, before you even get started.
If you feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed about giving online dating a try, you’re probably not going to be too successful at it.
On the other hand, if you view online dating as a new experience that can be fun and exciting, then even if you don’t find your perfect match you’ll still get something out of the experience.
That being said, there are a few specific steps you can take that can help you navigate the online dating jungle…
- Don’t Be Overly Aggressive – There is nothing wrong with sending messages to multiple members of a dating site, just be sure not to contact the same people multiple times if they don’t respond to your initial contact. Male or female, it’s a little bit creepy when someone can’t take “No” for an answer, whether that “no” is communicated out loud, online, or by silence.
2. Don’t Focus on Profiles – Profiles are meant to give you basic information about other members of a dating site, they are not meant to tell the entire story. Having conversations with people and meeting them in person, when the time is right, are the only true ways to discover who someone really is.
3. Try Not to Take Rejection Personally – If you’re rejected by another member of a dating site, bear in mind that all the clichés hold true. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and it takes two to tango. Beside, unless you’ve already met this person in person, you’re likely being rejected by someone who’s never even met the real you. Rejection is a part of life. Accept it and acknowledge that the most important thing about rejection is how you handle it and find a way to bounce back. And, remember, rejection is often the Universe’s way of helping you keep the door open for something or someone even better.
4. Be Willing to Forgive Yourself – You’re going to make mistakes. It’s part of being human and it’s definitely part of the dating process. You’re going to get rejected. It’s inevitable. It’s easy to be angry with yourself, to blame yourself and want to just dwell on all the ways you did things wrong… but it doesn’t do you any good. You have to be ready and willing to discard that which is not useful. And hanging on to all of your previous rejections and failures is the literal opposite of useful. Being comfortable with dating and yourself doesn’t mean all of your experiences are great, it just means you know how to roll with the punches and how to handle things when they go south.
5. Look at Online Dating as a Numbers Game – There are thousands, even tens of thousands, of members on any given dating app or site. That’s almost an inexhaustible list of potential matches. The sheer number of options puts the odds in your favor, but there is no telling how long it might take to find your right match. So, relax. Take it easy. And be patient and persistent in your endeavors.
6. Make the Investment – A lot of people seem to think that, because it’s online, you don’t need to spend the time and energy on online dating as you might offline. However, almost nothing could be further from the truth. If you put up a lazy, generic, boring profile and mediocre pictures, you’re going to get lazy, generic emails from people with mediocre profiles. In order to attract great people online, you need to create a great profile. Online dating takes time, resilience, and persistence, so be prepared to put into online dating what you expect or hope to get out of it.
7. Don’t Become Obsessed with Finding the “Perfect Match” – I know, I know… Your sister’s doctor’s lawyer’s painter’s massage therapist went online and the first person who emailed her ended up becoming her husband. We’ve all heard the magical stories of people who get online and find their life partner within weeks. For the vast majority of online daters, however, it doesn’t work that way. Have fun with online dating. You can meet great people and have great times with them without them becoming the partner of your dreams. In fact, I know more than a few people who’ve become lifelong friends with people they met on online dating websites. They were anything but perfectly matches romantically. But, despite what you may think going into it, romantic relationships aren’t the only benefit to online dating! The more you leave yourself open to the mystery and enjoy people for who they are, the more likely you’ll get a lot of online dating and stick with it long enough to even find “the one.”
Yes, online dating can be a little scary… But, whenever we try anything new, there’s always a little uncertainty and fear involved. That’s part of what it makes it exciting and fun.
And, don’t forget, if you ever have problems with the anonymity of online dating, handling rejection, or just creating a plan to make sure you’re finding and attracting the best possible matches, even just a couple of sessions with a relationship counselor or marriage and family therapist who specializes in these types of issues can help you overcome your uncertainties and fears and create a plan that helps you attract the right match.
In baseball, Babe Ruth was known as the "Home-Run King". However, most people don't realize that he struck-out more than any other player of his era. How does this relate to online dating? Well, you may have to strike out many times before you actually hit a home-run and meet your ideal mate. What's important is that you don't give up.
